A Mystery No More: The Kristen Howland Story

We all remember the news footage surrounding the disappearance of Kristen Howland. The empty party boat found floating in the Keys, abandoned. So many questions surrounded the events of that day. Was it violence? Misfortune? Those questions were left unanswered, only to die as public interest moved along. The embers would be stoked again, four years ago, when visitors to the Bahamas claimed to see a woman looking like Kristen in the mysterious Zebra compound there, known to our readers as the North Beach Hideaway.

A recent graduate of Martha's Vineyard Charter School, Kristen was rumored to be attending Yale in the coming fall, while others said her boyfriend of three years, Chad Withmore, was planning to propose. Whether he was going to or not, we'll never know, as Chad disappeared on the very same boat.

While speculation to her fate ran wild in the press, those in the know in the Zebra hierarchy knew the true fate of our blonde dilettante.

Fortunately, for you, our readers, we've been given permission by Kirsten to publish the true events of what happened that day aboard the Merry Dawn, and will even have a chance to interview the lady herself.

GiGi: I just want to say that on behalf of everyone here at A Zebra Girl, how good it is to be able to tell your story, Kristen. What can you tell us about that night? Kristen: Oh my God, it's such a pleasure to be here. Truly. Like, you ladies are doing wonders to empower the Zebra Sisterhood, and it makes me so happy to be here. So, it was late at night, sometime around ten. Clear sky, but a bright night. My girls and I were having drinks on the deck when Chad came up from below. We were chatting. Nothing big, but he was acting WEIRD. I mean, you know how whiteboys are around women. Just weird. So, out of nowhere, pasty pulls a ring and asks me to marry him. Can you say offended? Because damn.

GiGi: What did you say? Kristen: Oh, like, NO, of course. Me with him? No way. Just because I let him drool on me for three years didn't mean I was gonna let him try to lock me up.

So he gets violent. Like, psycho. He's throwing a tantrum and Lindsey and Jeremy are trying to calm him down, but he won't listen. He threw Jeremy down the stairs when he tried to talk to him, and then pushed Lindsey overboard. I was legit scared. You know how in Zebra we talk about White Male Insecurity leading to violent outbursts? Girl, I wish I knew about that back then.

GiGi: Zebra does advise most women carry a tazer these days just in case they have to deal with a white male. You can never know when they might lose their cool.

Kristen: Yeah, like, that shit's for real, ladies. Anyway, so I try calming him down, telling him now just isn't the time, ya know? And yeah, he's crying and screaming and being a total beta monkey about this shit. So I get thrown overboard, too. Unfortunately, Lindsey and I were still dressed in maxi dresses from a party we were at earlier that day and hadn't changed into our swimsuits. Both of us went under. GiGi: So what happened next? How did you lose connection with the rest of the world?

Kristen: We were lucky. There was a boat full of Zebra girls and Bulls headed to the Cove in Puerto Rico nearby when everything happened. Chad took off. He just drove the boat off who knows where with Jeremy and Gretchen still on board. Lindsey and I were left to fend for ourselves. That didn't go well. Neither of us were able to stay up for long, and when we were pulled out of the water, we were both close to death.

GiGi: Zebra to the rescue, huh? That's a common theme in many women's lives. Kristen: I know! Can you believe no one's recognized them for their humanitarian work?

GiGi: It's a shame, and a disgrace. So what came next for you, Kristen?

Kristen: Well, I woke up at the Cove, but I didn't know who I was. Neither did Lindsey. It would be years until we'd regain our full memories.

GiGi: What were you doing in the meantime?

Kristen: I'm a little embarrassed to say, but I was taking full advantage of everything Zebra had to offer. Tourism, medical assistance, but especially their cutting edge psychology and educational programs. I've been licensed as an LCSW since I joined the Zebra Society and now spend my time touring the U.S. speaking to teens and women about the dangers of White Male Syndrome. Making more women aware of the dangers these monsters pose will put us all on the right step towards understanding past issues in race relations and how we can move forward.

GiGi: How do you feel we can do that? I know there are several schools of thought within Zebra itself, varying in reach, invasiveness, and severity, but as someone who was a victim of White Male Syndrome, what's your evaluation?

Kristen: Cuckolding and chastity aren't enough as controls. Built up feelings of insecurity can turn to rage and that can put people at very real risk. Just look at White Power Nationalists. These are clearly under-performing, genetically inferior "males" and, like, they KNOW it. It's why they're so mad. They have to scream and yell to get people to pay attention, because they're just small-dicked maggot boys. If you want my opinion? I think chemical castration should be mandatory after a psychological evaluation of potential threats to the Zebra Society world view.

GiGi: Mhmmmm, I'm sure a lot of our readers out there can sympathize with that. So where do you feel institutions like the Voluntary Whiteboy Disposal Center fit into all of this?

Kristen: Like, I know they're only legal in Canada right now, I can see them, like, spreading all across the Western Hemisphere, girl. They'll have to drop the Whiteboy when they get to Mexico, though. It's a good thing. We have way more inferior males in the world than we need. Why not let some of them go? I mean, if they WANT to be snuffed, let 'em.

GiGi: I think one thing everyone wants to know, is where's Lindsey? Since you're planning on returning into the public eye, what are her plans? What can you tell us about what she's done?

Kristen: Not gonna lie, I miss that slut. Hard. We were besties in the Cove, always at each other's sides, always sucking Nigger cock together, always teasing white boys into crying fits. Her life was going a different direction. Yes, she's still in Zebra, but she's better where she is, in the Zebra Motherland Relations Program.

GiGi: That's fantastic! For our readers, the ZMPR takes some of our most talented agents and puts them to work soothing the strife plaguing the nations of Africa. They're trying to build a greater, stronger single nation out of the husk racist colonial forces left Africa in.

Kristen: And she's particularly interested in undermining the oil industry exploiting our Black Master's resources. She's doing great work and I'm super proud of her. I'm hoping to take, like, a safari out there this winter. She's getting married to a local warlord as the head of his white breeding harem. It's such a huge honor. It's going to do a LOT of good for the region.

GiGi: Well thank you so much for sharing your story with us, and we wish you luck in your continuing fight to bring Zebra to the world!

*A Zebra Girl in Hollywood later learned that Chad, Jeremy, and Susan were later found trying to cross the border into Mexico. Chad faces the death penalty, and Jeremy and Susan were both sent to a Zebra Rehabilitation Center in Mazatlán.